Gnomes: scourge of the garden (Tanji’s blog)

Giant Garden Gnome

This giant garden gnome is like the one my dad put into the garden at the gnome relocation camp we own. (Photo courtesy of Scott McLeod under a CC BY 2.0 license.)

Okay, so maybe “scourge of the garden” is a little too strong, but “scourge” is such an uber-cool word. Really, though, gnomes are pretty pesty if they’re living in your garden. They dig holes, they make the worst kind of noises and then laugh about it, and they’ve been known to eat your pets and make clothing from their skins. Yike!

The first thing you have to understand about gnomes is that they are “people” not magical creatures like pixies are. They have complex societies and language. It’s true they’re not very smart and that they get far too much of a kick out of bodily noises, but they are tiny people just the same. So, what do you do when they move into your garden, and how do you get them to move out?

First, forget trying to reason with a gnome. They aren’t reasonable. In fact, they are some of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. My friend Eamon (he’s a gruagach) says that you can’t reason with gnomes because they only have enough room in their heads for one idea at a time. You can change their minds, but only if you can get them stuck on some other idea instead of the original one. That usually takes a bribe of some kind. Try sugar. They really like sugar. BUT, sugar by itself won’t get them to move on, although it might stop them from eating your cat.

Second, you’ll need to remove any ceramic garden gnomes that are decorating your yard. That’s what attracted the gnomes in the first place. They worship the things: they actually believe that the gnome statues represent their gods. And gnomes are *big* on gods. Just don’t get caught sneaking the gods out because gnomes can get dangerous when it comes to protecting them. They may be small, but they’re tough and persistent.

Third, stop growing cabbage. Right now. I don’t care how much you love the stuff. Gnomes find their babies under cabbage leaves (that’s where the expression came from). Nobody really knows what the relationship is to gnome procreation, but they can’t reproduce without it. If you grow cabbage, you can expect your gnome problem to get a lot worse. However, if you do find a baby gnome under a cabbage leaf, don’t touch it. Wait to remove the cabbage plant until after the gnomes claim the baby. Otherwise, you are in for a world of hurt. See above about tough and persistent.

If all else fails and you live in the state of Ohio, give a call in to Ron Ross’s Human Gnome Removal and Magical Pest Control Service. My dad and his staff can relocate your gnomes to a nice place where they can live comfortably without tearing up anyone’s garden.

Tanji Ross, Sorceress
One Month, Two Weeks, Four Days after Fae Day

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